Troy muttered under his breath in aggravation before turning to stomp down to the basement and his favorite chair. In the kitchen, his wife Lana clenched her fists tightly trying to fight back angry tears. Why did this always seem to happen? What began as a simple difference in opinion had once again escalated to a feud that would leave both spouses wondering what they were doing that was so wrong. Troy just assumed that his wife would agree with him. After all, his ideas were good and she was supposed to submit to him anyway. That’s what the Bible says, isn’t it? However, Lana’s gentler female tendencies were to wonder why Troy would fight her so vehemently if he truly loved her! How could she submit to someone who only seemed concerned with getting his way?
Troy and Lana are not alone in their confusion over this issue. Try mentioning the word submission to a group of people and you can be sure of getting a couple of solid reactions. Men who grin and elbow their wives, and women who scowl and cross their arms defiantly. Portions of Ephesians 5 (when taken out of context) can add a lot of fuel to the fire of disagreement between married couples. Men read "Wives, submit to your husbands..." (Eph. 5:22) and immediately point to it as Biblical basis for barking orders or making ridiculous demands and expecting them to be carried out without question.
In the same way, women quickly offer up the retort that they shouldn’t be required to submit in such a manner if their husbands are not obeying the command found in Ephesians 5:25. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for her…" The point is raised that few men rarely if ever are capable of loving their wives as perfectly as Christ loves the church.
How then can we ever hope to find a middle ground? Begin by re-reading some of the prior passages. So many do not realize that those two specific commands were a follow up to the primary directive found in verse 21. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Remember the theory that marriage is give and take of 50/50, or even in other circles that each spouse must give 100 percent to make the bond successful? Giving is pretty basic and everyone agrees that it is vital. But what about "giving up"? Giving up in this sense refers to sacrificing one’s will for the good of another. The definition of the word ‘submit’ here is "to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another". Deference is submitting to another’s wishes or opinion out of respect or honor.
Our Pastor recently touched on this topic of submitting to one another during a series of sermons focused on stewardship, and I was fascinated to watch those around me as they listened to the truth laid out so simply. The response was profound. I noticed people’s shoulders relax and couples inched closer to one another in the pews. Husbands draped their arms gently around their wives and little smiles of understanding were exchanged. Even the singles in the congregation took notes eagerly for future reference. What a relief! What a freeing realization to know that even submission is a two way street! As women, we don’t need to constantly have our walls up in order to "hold our own" against a husband who might cross the line in his expectations. And men can feel confident that by showing deference to their wives they are actually stepping into the roll of head of the household by obeying God’s word.
Love, submission, respect and reverence all seem to be tied together somehow. A husband who shows deference to his wife proves how much he loves her. A wife who sacrifices for the wishes of her husband demonstrates the depth of respect she has for him. When both individuals honor the other above themselves, they become "imitators of God.." (Eph. 5:1), discovering that fulfillment comes through giving up their own will and putting another first.
Troy shows how much he cares when he relinquishes his desires for the sake of Lana’s feelings. And in turn, Lana feels loved and secure enough to trust Troy in leading the way for the good of their marriage.
Even in relationships other than marriage, whether it is a friendship or work acquaintance, submitting to one another creates a unity that not only honors each person involved, but also reflects God’s plan and brings Him the glory.
